Day 22

Something just occurred that created a strong emotional reaction within me. I wish it hadn't happened, but it came at a convenient time because now I can use the experience to try and understand Sartre better without using expired feelings and hypothetical situations.

As a form of background information, I will tell you about myself. I am somewhat of a, what one might call, “hopeful person.” And I also build people up in my mind. I make them bigger, figuratively speaking, than they actually are. Well maybe they are “bigger,” but in a different way than how I view them. In other words, I hold unrealistic expectations of people(strangers). I recognize that my expectations are unrealistic and know that eventually, those expectations will become realistic in either a wonderful way, or a disappointing way. Today I was crushingly disappointed, as dramatic as that sounds. And it only took a word, or rather, a name. 

"Bridgette." 

So I was mistaken for my sister by someone who I wanted to recognize me as an individual. That happened. Again.

So anyways, this crushing disappointment. 

Once I got my shape back I put these thoughts in my mind: “Oh, you’re stupid. Hope is stupid. People who can’t recognize you as an individual are stupid. No one will be able to immediately.” I’m trying to be happy and tell myself that it’s okay, it’s only natural. But how can one be happy when there is no one to begin with. There is just the other one. ;asldfljkasqwpoeif shake up my mind, try and flip the emotion switch. It’s difficult. I’m still disappointed.

I believe that Sartre would tell me I’m avoiding recognizing the real situation here. There’s some grapes I just can’t grab.  The reasonable alternatives to feeling disappointment (or anything at all really) are what? 

1.) I am actually the same as my sister and should accept that so I won’t feel anything when people don’t know who I am. 

2.) I should accept the fact that people won’t be able to tell us apart, but be content because I know who I am and that’s all that really matters. 

3.) I should just continue to be myself and eventually people might actually call me by my name and recognize me as an individual.

Two seems like the likely option, since some people never get to three, and one is just ridiculous, but even if I choose that, two is still a lonely option. I think the world is made for emotions. Sure, maybe some emotions are easier than others, but I don’t think that all emotions are basically founded on denial or avoidance.

Side Notes:

Generally, I try to avoid categories and figurative boxes. But sometimes I do categorize and I don’t even realize that I am. I was referring to emotions as negative and positive. For example, happiness as a positive emotion, sadness as a negative one. And then Thad asked, “But are there really negative emotions?” Or something like that. And then I considered it. And tore down another wall. So thanks for that, Thad.

I don’t know why I became frustrated in class today. But I did -- still a little frustrated. And no, I do not want Sartre to tell me what that means.