Day 25

I’m staring at my screen right now trying to figure out what to write.

It’s not that I don’t have enough to write about, but that I have too much.

Signing up for this class wasn't a thought-through decision. It went something like this:

I want to take an upper division philosophy class over the summer. Existentialism? What’s that about? Looks interesting. Okay, add. 

I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t want to get my hopes up, I didn’t want to attach some kind of unrealistic expectation to it. So I tried to keep it “clinical.” I named my blog a number and my posts by days. 

But this class ended up giving me a lot. Including but not limited to: comfort, frustration, happiness, annoyance, understanding, confusion, sadness, hope, friends, great reading material, respect for other people, a little more confidence in myself, and a new spin on an old perspective. 

There's a certain amount of vulnerability involved when taking this course. And in a way it was somewhat of a healing process.

That is about the best thing that a class can give a person, in my opinion.

When I told people I had a summer class they would say, “that sucks.” And I would reply, “Not really. It’s the most fun  that I’ve had all summer.”

The End 

Side Notes:

When it comes to writing, I’m somewhat of a perfectionist. I will sacrifice my grade rather than turn in a piece that I don’t’ feel comfortable with. Because these posts needed to be submitted within twenty four hours of the class period, I had to (in order to get a passing grade) abandon that mentality. I still didn’t end up blogging two posts that I wrote though. But! It could have been much worse. I now have have the ability to throw up a chunk of my mind onto a computer screen in a reasonably short amount of time. I would consider that a skill.  

For whatever reason I’ve been intimidated by the thought of going to philosophy club, all year last year I made an excuse every single Friday at 3pm for why I couldn’t go.  But now -- I am taking responsibility. I am going, and because the new school year hasn’t started yet and I still want to own it, I submitted a request to join through orgsync. 

Day 24

Today’s reading was basically perfect.

While discussing bad faith as self-deception through an imbalanced conflict of transcendence and facticity, I thought, okay. I can see this --but it wasn't that great.  We make excuses to ourselves, to others, but so what? What are excuses besides a weakness of character? Take responsibility for your actions, your thoughts, your emotions -- grow up. So on and so forth.

And then all of a sudden, we add being-for- others into the mix and I feel it.

Bad Faith, you suck.

In class we were asked which one leads to the better life, adopting a policy to avoid bad faith as much as possible, or having a policy of not avoiding bad faith. I believe the first option, by far. But am I going to tell someone that? No, probably not, but then I think…

And I have told people --just not in those words.

I have been frustrated by people who live in bad faith overwhelmed with transcendence and those overwhelmed with facticity and other’s judgment. It’s a weakness and it’s an annoying one. I don’t want to deny anyone their happiness, but living in bad faith doesn’t always equate to some sort of artificial happiness. It can mean artificial misery. Can misery be artificial? Can happiness? Especially with other’s judgment and facticity, that is not a pleasant thing.

Moving through my life, I want to reflect and think, Yeah, I was miserable, but it was my choice and I let myself be. Or, yeah, I was happy because I worked hard to be. I do not want to be the girl who complains and says she has no friends because people don’t understand her, but she doesn’t even try to let them. I do not want to be the guy who says he’ll get a job when God gives him one, and I do not want to be the person who fails to act in fear of what other’s would think.

Concisely I am saying that someone may, for a while, be equally happy with both options. But the one who takes responsibility will be living a much more meaningful life.

Side Note:

Ben’s quote in class today was really great. He needs to put it against a black and white photograph, share it on Facebook, and watch it be misused by English-speaking teenagers around the world. “I would rather know why I am sad than not know why I am happy.”

I like to buy my books from local book stores. One of my favorite things is to take some cash and an evening, and browse for a book. But a little while ago, I decided that I would buy No Exit. Unfortunately the store just had Nausea (by Jean Paul Sartre) so I decided to buy it. And I enjoyed reading it and got a lot out of it, but after reading the excerpt from No Exit, I really want to read it.

“Hell is --- other people”

Day 22

Something just occurred that created a strong emotional reaction within me. I wish it hadn't happened, but it came at a convenient time because now I can use the experience to try and understand Sartre better without using expired feelings and hypothetical situations.

As a form of background information, I will tell you about myself. I am somewhat of a, what one might call, “hopeful person.” And I also build people up in my mind. I make them bigger, figuratively speaking, than they actually are. Well maybe they are “bigger,” but in a different way than how I view them. In other words, I hold unrealistic expectations of people(strangers). I recognize that my expectations are unrealistic and know that eventually, those expectations will become realistic in either a wonderful way, or a disappointing way. Today I was crushingly disappointed, as dramatic as that sounds. And it only took a word, or rather, a name. 

"Bridgette." 

So I was mistaken for my sister by someone who I wanted to recognize me as an individual. That happened. Again.

So anyways, this crushing disappointment. 

Once I got my shape back I put these thoughts in my mind: “Oh, you’re stupid. Hope is stupid. People who can’t recognize you as an individual are stupid. No one will be able to immediately.” I’m trying to be happy and tell myself that it’s okay, it’s only natural. But how can one be happy when there is no one to begin with. There is just the other one. ;asldfljkasqwpoeif shake up my mind, try and flip the emotion switch. It’s difficult. I’m still disappointed.

I believe that Sartre would tell me I’m avoiding recognizing the real situation here. There’s some grapes I just can’t grab.  The reasonable alternatives to feeling disappointment (or anything at all really) are what? 

1.) I am actually the same as my sister and should accept that so I won’t feel anything when people don’t know who I am. 

2.) I should accept the fact that people won’t be able to tell us apart, but be content because I know who I am and that’s all that really matters. 

3.) I should just continue to be myself and eventually people might actually call me by my name and recognize me as an individual.

Two seems like the likely option, since some people never get to three, and one is just ridiculous, but even if I choose that, two is still a lonely option. I think the world is made for emotions. Sure, maybe some emotions are easier than others, but I don’t think that all emotions are basically founded on denial or avoidance.

Side Notes:

Generally, I try to avoid categories and figurative boxes. But sometimes I do categorize and I don’t even realize that I am. I was referring to emotions as negative and positive. For example, happiness as a positive emotion, sadness as a negative one. And then Thad asked, “But are there really negative emotions?” Or something like that. And then I considered it. And tore down another wall. So thanks for that, Thad.

I don’t know why I became frustrated in class today. But I did -- still a little frustrated. And no, I do not want Sartre to tell me what that means. 

Day 21

We began reading Sartre yesterday.

“And when we say that man is responsible for himself, we do not mean that he is responsible only for his own individuality, but that he is responsible for all men.”

This is hard for me to accept. I can understand the full impact of personal freedom and responsibility, but I do not view my actions as a universal claim towards the “best.” 

“What we choose is always the better; and nothing can be better for us unless it is better for all.”

Is it more complicated than that? Because it seems like it needs to be. It needs to be for me to accept it. And again I ask myself, am I missing something?

Allow me to insert myself into an example. Right now, it is the morning. I am only just starting to write this post because I avoided it last night. Does that mean that my actions support the claim that all humanity should procrastinate their homework? I do not feel the responsibility of mankind weighing on my conscious.  At the most I can take responsibility of humankind upon myself for some actions -- maybe, but not every single one. Which ones then? I don’t know.

So an individual doesn't know her values until she acts and even then she doesn't know them because in a few hours they may change.  It makes it seem like there are no values at all. In the class discussion Nihal said something about how contradicting actions can be attributed to reshaping one’s character. And I thought of how a rich NRA member who loves meat can turn into a poor vegetarian yoga teacher, but had he died before that transition no one would have believed that it was possible.  That who we are when we die is not who we could be or would be.  Identity seems so fragile except in the moment. Right now I am undeniably myself. Next year I will reflect  on who I was and undeniably be someone else.

Day 20

When people ask me what I can do with philosophy. I say “nothing”.

Do I actually believe that? No, but I know that the answer I give will not answer their question in a satisfactory way.  They want a job title and I can’t give it to them.

My mom tells me that I should major in something else. Because after college, “what are you going to use philosophy for?” I tell her that I will use philosophy every day of my life. And I will. I already am.

Studying philosophy is like tearing the world apart.  But it is also finding a way to glue it back together.  

It is starting out with a piece of paper written on in black ink, and ripping it to shreds. It is staring at that black and white pile that used to be the world and finding something that will hold it all together. It is recognizing that even though so many people still have a spotless sheet of black and white paper, your mutilated, lopsided, quilt of a piece, is much more preferable.  That’s what I love about it.

When I read the following passage Heidegger wrote about what philosophy can do, it was like my heart sighed and let out all the air I didn't even realize I was holding inside of me. And I thought, “This is beautiful.”  

 “It is absolutely correct and proper to say that “You can’t do anything with philosophy.” It is only wrong to suppose that this is the last word on philosophy. For the rejoinder imposes itself; granted that we cannot do anything with philosophy, might not philosophy, if we concern ourselves with it, do something with us? So much for what philosophy is not.”

I don’t know what I’m going to do after I graduate. Some empathetic individuals tell me, “You still have three years left to figure it out.” And that’s nice, but I recognize the possibility that I may still not know what to do with my life. And I am fully aware of the fact that philosophy is not going to directly get me a job upon graduation. But I’m fine with that. Because I know that whatever I do end up doing, or whatever situation I am thrown into, I will be perfectly capable of handling myself.

So that's how I view that. 

Day 18

My second favorite thing is reflection.

So to consider an authentic self that lacks all semblance of reflection is hard for me to do. And to accept that a human being without consciousness is experiencing an ideal human existence -- even harder.  Right now, I’m sitting on a park bench under a Southern Live Oak tree trying to translate my feelings into words in order to submit my blog post.  I am content.

I am conscious of the construction around me, I am conscious that the bench I’m sitting on has bird poop on one side, I am conscious that the temperature is starting to increase and I may have to go inside soon to be comfortable.  And I think that if I wasn't, I wouldn't be as happy.  I like having the ability to, in my mind, freeze my surroundings, and as they say take time to smell the roses.

Derrick said in  the class discussion that he thought Heidegger hadn't necessarily intended the term “inauthentic” to carry negative connotations, and “authentic” with positive ones. Maybe not, but when reading it, I definitely added them. If I look at it in that light, then I can appreciate an individual’s ability to transition between the two.

If Heidegger hadn't intended one existence to be better than the other but I (an average reader) found one. Then I can further understand why he refused to use words to avoid the baggage that comes with them.

Day 17

This is going to be a long post. It’s storyish. Just a warning. For those that “have homework to do.”

I know of quite a few people who avoid the light rail because they think it’s only for the crazies, or the homeless people, or the druggies, or the crazy homeless druggies. And I can say --that in general -- it is. But, I've heard some of the most interesting, thought-provoking things on the light rail. And every time I get off of it, I want to be a better person. 

Wait! Hold up, Haley. This is supposed to be about your struggle with the class material, why are you writing about the light rail? Oh, just be patient, there's class material somewhere in here. 

Sometimes while on the light rail, people talk to me.  However, I’m not much of a conversationalist, so it’s something of a stressful thing. I can pull off the charismatic stranger for a few minutes, but then I run out of things to say (small talk makes me uncomfortable).

Anyways, while headed back home from class today (via light rail), I decided to start writing my blog post. I can’t truthfully say that I was able to understand the assigned reading on Heidegger, some parts were identifiable, but it was, as a whole, hard to comprehend. Similar to having the television on while going in and out of sleep.

So this is what I had written in my notebook.  “I will say, and reasonably so, or at least justifiably so, that this post will instead of focusing on the readings, be primarily about the videos watched in class.” It was at this point in my notes that the person seated across from asked, “Are you writing poetry?”

Now, this is a nice thing to ask.

If only I was so cool as to be writing poetry while using public transportation.

I explain that they’re notes for a summer class. He asks what class, so I tell him,  and when asked, give an extremely vague definition of it. “It’s a way of thinking.” I realized afterwards that I should have been more specific because this is what I got as a response after an initial hesitation:

“I was thinking the other day – about a cognitive thought. Like, I don’t know how to explain it. A few thoughts make one cognitive thought, and the cognitive thought is like, the right way to think.”  And he was looking at me like he needed validation, and I didn't even know what he was talking about.  So I tried to demonstrate my understanding (or lack of) with an analogy, so I asked if it was like baking -- he puts thought ingredients in and it comes out as a cognitive cake. He laughed and said, “kind of, it’s just something I thought up on my own.”

Then he left and the person next to him who was listening to our conversation started sharing his deep thoughts, and then I looked around wondering if anyone else thought that the situation was really awkward.  

And I found another person intently listening to the conversation with shiny curious eyes almost like he was about to share his thoughts too!

If I wasn't in an extreme state of discomfort, I would  have probably thought that it was comical. I didn’t know what to say! I felt guilty like someone was going to call me out. 

“Who are you to listen to these thoughts?” Or something -- I don't know.  I just did the best I can. I felt like these people were treating me like I was a catholic priest during confession time, absolving them of their sins.

So all of this made me think about where I am in my life, where they are in there life, and if they were, or will ever be where I am, or if I will ever be where they are. And I felt so lucky, to be taking this class. 

Side note:

Solomon stated that near the end of his life Heidegger adopted the peasant life.  After realizing the authentic self, the end goal is embedding oneself into his roots and culture from which he originally came.  There is a possibility I misinterpreted that, or forgot what it was he actually said, but assuming that is in fact what he was explaining.

I imagined Heidegger telling his fellow “peasants” something similar to, “I just went on this intellectual journey, found my authentic self, and realized that in the end this is where I need to be.” And the peasants responding, “You should have talked to us first, we could have told you that before you went through all the trouble”

What. 

It's a nice thought, but at the same time frustrating.